One Year Free

It's really strange. That I finished Chemotherapy one year ago. It feels like it's a part of me, and at the same time it isn't. I feel like I wasn't that person, but merely a spectator in a film. But at the same time it was me.

No one reads this blog anymore. I mean, why should they? I don't update it regularly and I don't post when I have new stories on facebook anymore. But sometimes I think about this little blog and it makes me smile.

Tomorrow in exactly 8 hours and 26 minutes, I have two days of full testing and then I go back on Thursday for my oncology appointment. It's stressful and worrisome. Which is evident with my up until the late hours.

I'm numb. I feel like I should be confident and knock this right out of the park. But instead I'm nervous and nothing. A certain numbness I've come to know for a very long time. But it's gradually going away. I'm feeling more and more with the passing months.

I have thick short red hair now. I'm working out at the gym and the feeling is back in my hands and feet. But every morning my feet are awkward as they wake up. It's a chemotherapy side effect I'll have to deal with. Cold water I'm immune. I can put my hands in just fine. But hot water? I can't do it. It hurts and it's miserable. But that's okay. It's a small price I have to pay.

I'm doing fine in my classes. Sometimes I'm drowning and other times I'm on top. It's really just time that I need. I need time to catch up and just do it without any vacation or family or distractions. That's what I need. Time.

But I don't have time. The first semester is almost up and I need to really crack down on studying and online classes. I just want to be done with my ACT studying sessions and have some time for myself again.

But I'm working hard so I can play for next year. I want to stay afloat now so I don't sink later on. I'm afraid if I sink now, I'll stay under water.  I can't do that.

But It's a daily battle of trying to get over my past and to face my future.

I'm still a kid, but not for long. I'm growing up at a rate I never dreamed of. Soon, I'll be middle aged wondering how the hell I got where I am today. But for now I'll settle for being a Senior at a normal High School.

I'm happy.