Graduation and Kitties

Ah, High School. The sweet smell of success. Alright... I don't actually have my diploma but all my class requirements are finished and I'm done with it! Now it's just relaxing and breathing and I'm in a gap year.

I would've taken off immediately after I finished my classes, but we had our first wedding in August. My brother Grant married the most beautiful girl and the best FIRST sister I could ever ask for. And even though it was hard, and not a lot of our family was there. I could feel dad with us on this very very special occasion.

I can't stop getting called to baby sit babies and animals. My reputation is strong in the neighborhood. Haha. I get paid well enough that I can't complain. But on a gap year I just want to relax and have fun and read books. And I am, I really am. I just want to travel. My first trip is coming up. Emily and Jarod, I'm coming to visit you and harass your dog and your cats. I'm so excited. OREGON HERE I COME SOON!!

I was asked to baby sit my brother's cats while he's away on his Honeymoon. And I'm living in his apartment in Downtown Boise and it's just amazing. These cats are so sweet, precious, and I really do love them to the point where I would totally steal them if I were allowed to steal cats and bring them home. But they're Grant's kitties and they love him. They're just adorable and ugh. So so cute.

October is going to be a crazy month for me. I'm literally gone the whole of the month with few recovery days at home. The first week I'm in Seattle, the following I'm in Texas, and for the last two weeks of the month I'm staying with our family friend Kamee June (an amazing photographer) at her home in California. I'm super stoked and a little nervous to fly alone all by myself. But it should be excellent. It'll be my first taste of an adventure by myself. And I'm a little nervous I'll never want to come home and just spend the rest of my life traveling.

I guess I really am suited for Flying if I love to travel so much.

The rest of the year and next year is going to be fantastic. I am really stoked about it. Just gotta stop getting random ear infections and nausea once in a while. And the next check up I have, in December, I'll be officially two years off of Chemotherapy. That means instead of coming in to get tested every 3 months, it's every 6 months. And that is so amazing to me. Has time really gone by so quickly? Geez.

But at least now I'm no longer stressed and very, very happy.

Graduation Realities

It’s weird to say that I’ll be graduating in exactly four months. 

Do you know how scary that is for me?

I’ve lived in Idaho for 12 years. And so much has changed in my family.

Military campaigns, my brothers all of a sudden growing up, medical issues, death happened.

I’ve realized I’ve never had the chance to be a proper kid. I lost that privilege in 5th grade. And because I was never a kid I both lost friends and gained new ones. But it’s so scary for me.

Because I’ve always wished that I’d grow up one day. But I didn’t realize how quickly that came.

And now here I am, five months from being a legal adult and what am I doing? 

I don’t have my act together at all. I try not to let the cold reality slip in for me to realize that I am an adult now that deals with adult things.

I have to start a career soon, go off on my own and discovery myself, make big life changing decisions of who to marry or what studies I want to persue.

And it’s incredibly terrifying.

I still feel like that young six grader who was ready to leave her world of elementary school for junior high but was reluctant. Because that was a big step.

And this one is even bigger.

But before I go off to college my mom and I agreed that I’d take a year off. 

I’ll get my drivers license, pilot’s license, get physically fit for ROTC AirForce, and apply for USU.  

I’ll read all the books I wanted to read, travel to all the places I’ve longed to see and the places my heart has always longed to go back to. I’ll finally make big decisions for myself and see how life treats me. 

All I know is that in a year I’ll be a kid again for awhile. I’ll finally be the kid I’ve always hoped to be.

And I’m excited and scared at the same time.

One Year Free

It's really strange. That I finished Chemotherapy one year ago. It feels like it's a part of me, and at the same time it isn't. I feel like I wasn't that person, but merely a spectator in a film. But at the same time it was me.

No one reads this blog anymore. I mean, why should they? I don't update it regularly and I don't post when I have new stories on facebook anymore. But sometimes I think about this little blog and it makes me smile.

Tomorrow in exactly 8 hours and 26 minutes, I have two days of full testing and then I go back on Thursday for my oncology appointment. It's stressful and worrisome. Which is evident with my up until the late hours.

I'm numb. I feel like I should be confident and knock this right out of the park. But instead I'm nervous and nothing. A certain numbness I've come to know for a very long time. But it's gradually going away. I'm feeling more and more with the passing months.

I have thick short red hair now. I'm working out at the gym and the feeling is back in my hands and feet. But every morning my feet are awkward as they wake up. It's a chemotherapy side effect I'll have to deal with. Cold water I'm immune. I can put my hands in just fine. But hot water? I can't do it. It hurts and it's miserable. But that's okay. It's a small price I have to pay.

I'm doing fine in my classes. Sometimes I'm drowning and other times I'm on top. It's really just time that I need. I need time to catch up and just do it without any vacation or family or distractions. That's what I need. Time.

But I don't have time. The first semester is almost up and I need to really crack down on studying and online classes. I just want to be done with my ACT studying sessions and have some time for myself again.

But I'm working hard so I can play for next year. I want to stay afloat now so I don't sink later on. I'm afraid if I sink now, I'll stay under water.  I can't do that.

But It's a daily battle of trying to get over my past and to face my future.

I'm still a kid, but not for long. I'm growing up at a rate I never dreamed of. Soon, I'll be middle aged wondering how the hell I got where I am today. But for now I'll settle for being a Senior at a normal High School.

I'm happy.

It's been a long time

I don't even know where to begin it's been so long.

This was my cancer blog and since I don't have it anymore, I feel like there's no need to continue writing it in. It's fulfilled it's purpose. So I'm asking myself why did I decide to log in tonight out of all nights? The answer is quite simple, I'm watching a cancer movie.

It's strange, I can watch movies about cancer and people's experiences, but when it comes to books; I'm out. I can't do it. It's the same with death. I can watch movies where a parent dies easily, but give me a book? I won't touch it. A movie can be so different from the book, different interpretations can be expressed in a film while a book is going into someone's mind set. I can't handle it.

Watching this movie, My Sister's Keeper, makes me recall the times of my whole cancer ordeal. I remember being extremely happy even though I was in terrible condition. I was happy and optimistic because I knew I was in capable hands and whatever happened would happen. And I've come to a conclusion months ago.

I miss Cancer.

I don't miss the illness at all. No, stay away from me please! It's the people and the experiences that brought me closer to the ones I love that I miss. I remember when I was officially cured, I cried at nights when I was home for the first week. I missed all my nurses and caps and I literally cried so hard when I thought about never seeing them again.

When I fall in love with people, I fall in love hard. Goodness, I would probably take a bullet for my nurses and caps. I know, dramatic, but I would.

My next cancer check up is on my birthday, June 7th. I'll be 17. Technically a legal adult in the hospital world. It's so weird, 11 years ago I had moved from England to Idaho. It's really weird for me to be a young woman now. I was just a little punk in kindergarden last time I checked.

As much as I would love to say I succeeded and currently studying in a normal High School environment, I'm not.

I guess it's hard to believe that when a Cancer patient is suddenly pushed back into the world, sometimes the stress is a bit much. Well, I fell into that category.

But I'm making it up. I start a Art night class on tuesday and then during the summer I'll be taking summer school and online classes. And then I'll join my friends for my Senior year with full six period classes with online classes on top of it.
I'm so ready to be normal again.

Well... normal in my way that is.
As my mother and I like to say, I didn't have a chance to be normal.
But I take a certain pride in my weirdness. It makes me, me.

My hair is now a full set. I had my first hair cut two weeks ago. It's a boy's hair cut but I really like it this short. I think I'm going to keep it short. Besides, secretly I love the fact with short hair I look like my brothers and my dad.
Also, my hair is currently a brown with large quantities of red in it. The first thing I hear from my mother almost every morning is, It looks a lot redder today! YOUR HAIR IS RED.
It makes me smile.

Also, my friend Janea gives the best scalp massages. It's half the reason why I'm keeping short hair as well. Haha, I'm so weird.

So the next time I write in this blog will probably be on my birthday. I'll tell you the good news if my cancer comes back or not.
If it does come back, I don't think I'll be all that heartbroken about it.

So Flannery, if you dare...

Do your worst.  

oh hey..

The reason why I haven't updated this isn't because my chemotherapy finished or I didn't have any more hospital visits... 


It's because I forgot my password. hah.


Since then I went back to the hospital because of a fever but it was only for over night.


Funny story.


I was admitted to the emergency room where they administered fluids and tried to get my heart rate and fever down.


Finally they got where they wanted me and they stopped fluids and told me they were going to send me upstairs for overnight. 


I was fine with that.


But when they unplugged me from the fluids they didn't say wait here and someone will get you, they merely said you're done.


So with Gunnar, and now his future wife, Becca I walked upstairs to the third floor. 


I felt fine enough to walk there and so I did.


The only problem was that they didn't know where I went.


And they were looking for me all over downstairs.


Either way I had a wonderful stay where I had a total of four different nurses that I had never met and two CAP where one I knew very well and the other I don't remember.


The night consisted of me doing various brain nerve tests to make sure my fever didn't cause any damage every four hours. That was fun.


But all the nurses were wonderful. Especially Scott.


-------


Because I lost my password this journal is going to be long because I need to catch you up.


-------


At the Dudley's Chiropractor I saw Natalie Lowe, she's married now and has a son.


She was babysitting for four kids over the week while their parents were gone for a vacation.


There was three girls and one boy.


The boy came up to me and just stared at me. He asked me why I was bald and I said I had cancer and the medicine made me lose my hair.


I asked him if he wanted to feel my head and he quickly shook his head, Natalie felt it and then he did.


He said it felt weird.


Next his sister came up and proudly said,


"YOU LOOK LIKE A BOY. WHAT DO YOU HAVE CANCER OR SOMETHING?"


I said and she backed away like I had the plague.


"WHERE IS IT? IS IT IN YOUR BRAIN? IS YOUR HEAD GOING TO EXPLODE?"


I answered no and proceeded to tell her it was just in my torso and not my head.


Her other sister came up and asked, "Do you have cancer?"


I said yes.


Her sister began to tell her, "SHE'S GOT CANCER IN THE HEAD AND HER HEAD IS GOING TO GET BIG AND LOOK FUNNY."


I corrected her. Again.


At the time I had just been released from surgery from removing a tumor from my left side of my neck.


They asked me if they could see my stitched but I said no, telling them I didn't want to get it infected.


As soon as I left the building I told Gunnar, and suddenly the whole situation was hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing.


So far that's my favorite story to tell besides the mix up I had with my first surgery.


------


My hair is growing in. 


It's super soft, like baby hair.


At first it looks blonde, but I want to quench everyone's thoughts about it.


It looks red. 


And so I deem to red.


Hopefully this won't come back to bite me and end up blonde.


Because they tell you not to count your eggs before they hatch.


-------


Regarding my last post where I said I knew what I wanted to be with my career.


It's not an oncologist or a nurse or anything medical.


It's to be a pilot.


And not one for the Air Force, thought that would be fantastic. My medical history would easily make me a unwanted applicant.


I want to be some kind of pilot though.


Friday I'm taking John Hruby up in the air with me. I'm very excited. I'll type about that when the day passes.
-------


I'm officially cancer free and in remission for the next five years without Radiation.


That's freaking sweet.


Thank you to the people who have read all my posts and commented about it to me, it does mean a lot.


Annika Severts

This Is My Last In-Hospital Chemotherapy Session.

And I'm secretly heartbroken about it. I usually hide my emotions in the dark besides happiness, excitement, and my serious face. So I'm happy I am able to cry in secret in the dark so no one will see it. Unless someone unexpectedly barges in here.

This hospital, has caused me grief and happiness to end. I'm have a mixed feelings and experiences in this building. But because of tonight, 11/5/10 at 6:00 A.M. I can say it's all been a great experience.

I'm still crying right now, it's 6:42 A.M. and my eyes blur from the tears and I have to blow my nose. I can only hope my typing and blowing doesn't wake up Grant who is sleeping next to me.

You've all read enough about my bad experiences, so let me tell you why I'm ending this whole thing with a happy note and not upset about it.

The things that happened during these three short months that will forever be in my mind and heart.

• I learned that I finally look like my brothers with a bald head. It's been a secret dream of mine since I was a child. To look like my brothers, not bald.
• 
  
• I've grown a lot closer to several of my friends.
• 
  
• I got to meet all the wonderful Doctors that think about me and talk about me with each other, and know their personalities by heart.
• 
  
• I've met some great people I never thought I would get to know.
• 
  
• There are certain Nurses and CAPs that I want to forever remember in my heart. And keep tabs on like they keep tabs on me during the day.
• 
  
• I grew closer to all my brother's girlfriends.
• 
  
• I've taken big strides in maturity. I am not a 16 year hold. I feel more like a 20 year old with all the things I've been through. 
• 
  
• I've learned what I'm going to do with my life.
• 
  
• I've learned the love of my friends and family is deep, warm, comforting, and I love them so much.
• 
  
• I've learned to love the feeling of able to come home and have a dog just crying she's so happy to see you. And your own bed to sleep in and not have someone interrupt you every 4-6 hours.
• 
  
• In Cancer, you can always have your off days. But keep them very limited. Because you don't make the nurses/caps/families jobs any easier in taking care of you. I had my off days, but the rest of the time I was cheery and thankful.
• 
  
• I love going to Church, it's a little escape for me to go to after everything has happened.
• 
  
• I finally watched General Conference, on my own, and loved every minute of it.
• 
  
• But most of all,
• 
  
• I grew even closer with my family. And that is the great gift of all.

Let me tell you why, or more of who made me feel these emotions, I'm crying at 6:56 A.M. in the morning. My dear, sweet, nurse Dave. I won't tell you all about our conversation. But it was the usual kind I do to my nurses or caps. Like, Why did you choose this job? How long have you worked here, yada-yada. I asked him, What is the best part of being a Nurse? and why Oncology?

He surprised me and said, "The best factor of being a Nurse, is being there for someone who is dying. Because there whole family is watching you going, 'What going on? What's going on?" And you have to help them understand the process and help them go through this hard time. And then, you're helping the sick person move on comfortable. You make sure they're not in pain, and they're as comfortable as can be. And you get to help them pass on. That's why I like being a Nurse."

And I'm thankful for the darkness at that point because the tears were secretly rolling down my cheeks.

And this is why I'm so heartbroken of leaving this hospital It's not very likely I'll see these people again. These people who have taken care of me, and I've learned to love with all my heart. And I'm crying. I'm crying because my cancer is ending, and I won't stay up late on ativan entertaining my family. Or having deep conversations with my Nurses and Caps. I won't get to learn more about them as my as I want to. And I'm going to be a giant crybaby when I have to leave. Which is probably why I'm kind of keen on leaving at night. Have the darkness to cover my face so i can cry quietly to myself again.

They call me The Sweetheart of 4-South. And I'm so happy they enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed them.

"We get these patients, who aren't doing so well and they don't really get better. or Patients that just come and go and don't stay. Or just stay at night and leave in the morning. So you are different Annika. We saw you gradually get better and it was cool. You were different. And it was cool to get to know you and see how well you've improved." 
Dave.

it's 7:09 A.M. I'm still crying. But, I'm happy.

Annika Severts

JOHN. LET ME BE YOUR SPOKESPERSON.

I was told today that my friend John has a product to improve the communication of Hospitals. Now I'm not sure about it or who exactly owns it but...

JOHN. LET. ME. BE. YOUR. SPOKESPERSON.

I am so sick and tired of all these problems we hit with the hospital just because of communication errors.

Let's start from the beginning.

1. First surgery after finding out I have Cancer and was surprised with a new family.

2. Getting the wrong amount of fluids

3. Getting Fendergan when the doctor said not to.

4. A CT scan being forgotten by the Doctor's assistant.

5. A CT scan and PET scan being rescheduled because someone scheduled them in the wrong order so we came in at 7 AM and then had to come back at 9 in the morning.

6. Getting a Nurse we said we didn't want.

- Today's problems.-

7. Not knowing if we were meeting our regular Oncologist because they didn't specify.

8. A receptionist trying to give my files to a four year old named Anna.

9. Having no clue that my surgeon was in his own surgery until we met for a surgical consult with his assistant.

10. Not knowing why we weren't meeting with our Oncologist and having his called.

10. Finding out that my surgery won't be on my right side of my neck, but the left side.

and I'm sure the list will keep going on and on.

Now I'm so thankful for certain traits I got from my father. When my mother becomes overly stressed with things that happen for no good reason and shouldn't happen in the first place, she just gives up and doesn't care about it because she has too much on her plate.

I on the other hand take after my father. I get so frustrated and fed up with what's going on. I take action and I'm very stern with the people I talk to. I'm not rude or impolite. I'm stern.

So the receptionist.
She was talking to a latino mom and pointed at our charts.
"Is this your address?"
"No."
"Your daughter isn't Annika?"
"That's actually us."
"oh! Your daughter is named Anna. I just saw the first three letters and went with the chart. Hahaha."

That was not amusing. I was having neck surgery. Their four year old could have ended up in surgery and I with whatever she had.
So we're sitting in the Surgical Consult's office talking about chemotherapy and what not. And suddenly a female comes into the room. She says that our Surgeon is currently getting a procedure done. Okay. And he's going to do the surgery on Friday or Saturday as planned.

 Now we weren't sure why we were getting surgery done in the middle of chemo. It doesn't make any sense so we ask her to call my Oncologist. Now I'm so fed up I'm telling her to ask him to come here or give the phone to me so I can talk to him. I want to talk to him face to face. She says she'll ask questions and call him and come back to tell us what he said.

Now here's where my father come into my personality.

I'm sick of waiting around for answer. So I get up and leave and go find my doctor by myself. That's right. I return to MSTI Cancer Clinic to get answers.

"Welcome Back Annika."
"Do we have an appointment with Doctor  1?" ((Keeping his name a secret for obvious reasons.))
"Uhm. No. You have an appointment with Doctor 2."
"Why is that."
"Um. I don't know let me call and find out."
"Well is he here?"
"Yes."
"Let me talk to him."
I'm very stern and it's very evident I'm not very happy at this moment. She just reached over and grabs my hand and smiles real big and loving.
"Oh Annika. I love you. When something needs to be done, you just do it. Let me find him for you."

And just in luck. It was Doctor 1's turn for a slight earful as he walked in the door just as I turned around.

"Hey Annika."
"Hey. Why are we not meeting with you today?"
"It's just how your schedule came out."
"Well my mom and I have questions for you."
"Okay."
"Can we talk right now?"
"Um. No. I have another appointment and then a meeting at 12. I'll come to your room. okay?"
"Yeah. Perfect."

And I was fine with that. And then another nurse came in.

"Is your dad here?"
I was so mad.
"No. He's deceased."
"I'm sorry. If your mom or guardian here?"
"No. She's in the other building."
"Oh well I have your admission papers here for her to sign. I can send them over to the hospital for her to sign there."
"I have to go get her."
"That's fine. I have to call Dr. 2 to see where you'll be meeting. Either here or in the hospital."
"Why don't I bring my mom here and she can sign the papers and then we can see where Dr. 2 will meet us."
"Oh. okay. Yeah that would work!"

I went and got my mom and explained it to her a million miles per hour because I was frustrated with this whole non-communication we had going on in the hospital.

Either way Dr. 2  came and cleared things up immensely and made sense of why we're doing the surgery and why they were pushing it so much.

It's because the tumor could tell us whether we need to do Radiation or not. OH. FANTASTIC. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE??

Anyways. Several hours later Dr. 1 and A came into the room.

And I fired several same questions at him.
Why are we doing this?
What's the procedure going to be like?

And then I asked him another question.
"Where is my tumor located?"
They had said it was on the right side. He couldn't feel it.
So we looked at the scans and found it.
It wasn't on the right side.
Oh no.
It was on the left side.
That's right.
For like two weeks I had been told and believed it was on the right side.
Okay.
Thanks for the confidence.

Just. today is not a good day.

So John. PLEASE LET ME BE YOUR SPOKESPERSON.